Archive for August, 2009

Change

Posted in my life on August 29, 2009 by tamishields

I often think about the book I would love to write. I think about the way I used to write poetry so easily. I think about the crazy things that run through my mind that I wonder if anyone else might find interesting. But I never do anything about it.

I listen to my mom and some of my peers and still hear my dad nagging about getting a master’s degree. I listen to people talk about the papers they have to write, the extra money they are now earning, the potential doors they feel they are opening. But I never do anything about it.

I feel like my world isn’t quite right. I feel like I should be doing more but don’t know what that really means or how to figure it out. But I never do anything about it.

So, tonight I have decided to do something about it…isn’t that what you expect me to say?

Well, that just isn’t the case. What I know: I have always had the goal of publishing a book before I turn 40. I have no desire to get a master’s degree. I am in a mental state where I am questioning myself in many aspects of my life and I’m not sure what to do about it.

Andy Stanley would tell me I need to determine where I want to be so that I can get on the path that will lead me there. I guess the thing is, I’ve started wondering what’s wrong with liking where I am now and not looking for another destination. I could not ask for a better husband, I have a job that I love most days (especially when I get to spend most of the day with my kids), and I live close to my family which gives me that chance to spend lots of time with them. So, I’m going to spend some time with myself tomorrow because I’m not sure it’s the destination as much as the vehicle that needs to change.

Not cause I can’t…

Posted in my life with tags on August 15, 2009 by tamishields
From our 10 yr. anniversary trip to France to visit friends living and working there.

From our 10 yr. anniversary trip to France to visit friends living and working there.

I was thinking last night about marriage as we were at trivia and coming home and wondering why people do and don’t stay together. Then as we were getting ready to go to bed I remembered the day I walked out of the house about 5 years ago (yes, our notorious 7th year of marriage for those who are doing the math) in Chicago with the intent of getting my parents to fly me home never to return to Chicago or Adam. I remember thinking, “I don’t need him. He doesn’t know how to communicate and we have other issues and I would be just fine living without him. I have a good job that I could replicate in Georgia and other than having a permanent roommate, not much would be different”.

My mom, who by the way doesn’t remember this day at all, answered the phone when I called from my favorite library in Chicago where I was hiding out after the quick bus ride downtown said to me, “Tami, get off the phone, get on a bus, and GO HOME. Work it out!”. I wasn’t thrilled with that response and after a few hours of reading and writing in my journal I returned home. It was this day that I decided, I could live without Adam.

Once I got home, we talked about our differences in communication and other things that were going on (looking back stupid things like, he wasn’t on time to pick me up and we shared a car, he didn’t have opinions on things so I felt like I made all the decisions…nothing major). We resolved our differences but I changed. It was then that I stumbled on a truth that has kept me in this marriage. I don’t stay with Adam because I can’t live without him. I stay married to him because I don’t want to live without him. I know people say not all situations in marriage are that easy, that black and white…or are they? For me, staying married is a choice I make each day. I’m not in this marriage because I would be bankrupt or not have a place to live or not have food or what I need if we were no longer married, I’m in this marriage because I choose to be. I choose to love and live with a man who has a very different communication style than the one I grew up with, who doesn’t like making decisions because he always wants others to have what they want, and a man who would do anything for me…which sounds amazingly wonderful until my independence gets in the way.

It’s not cause I can’t live without out him that my marriage works, it’s cause I know I CAN live without him but choose not to.