Week 1

I just weighed in, mostly because someone called me out for not doing it yesterday (@dewde!). It has been a crazy week full of excuses and I haven’t been to the gym once! I have however cleaned LOTS of my house and thrown away some stuff and have lots of bags to go to Goodwill!

My Wii Fit says that this morning I weigh 158.3 so I have lost about 2 lbs.
I have been more careful about eating better things and we have tried to eat dinner BEFORE 6:00! I have eaten more fruits and vegetables and not just carbs which is my weakness!!! I have drank around 60 oz of water every day before allowing myself any other kind of drink…which has made teaching in a trailer difficult, but thank goodness for my teaching partner! Now on to another week!

Maybe this week we’ll make it to the gym and I’ll lose more!

Before is better than after

So I follow @loswhit on twitter and read his blog http://www.ragamuffinsoul.com. He is doing a 30 day Holiday Health Challenge just when I’m feeling the need to make some changes. 6 years ago I lost 35 pounds for my 30th birthday and kept it off for 5 years. Then I turned 35 and, well even though I didn’t change anything it all started creeping back on. So now, 20 pounds heavier than my “goal weight” and a mirror that says things I don’t like, it’s time to do something.

I am committing myself for the next 30 days to exercise in some way for at least 30 min. daily- that’s for my physical self
I will spend the next 30 days simplifying my life and decluttering- that’s for my mental self
I am reading Francis Chan’s Crazy Love with Adam and will memorize Los’s verses- that’s for my spiritual self
I will also schedule date nights at least once a week with just Adam (I’m bad about wanting lots of others there too)- that’s for my relational self

All this in an effort to be someone I’m proud of as we enter a new decade!

To keep myself honest, I will post at least once a week on Saturdays and probably more often to record what’s going on.
Today: My Wii Fit says I weigh… 160lbs. My goal weight = 140! I know I won’t lose 20 lbs in 30 days without being extremely unhealthy but somewhere down the road, that is my goal.

Today, I will get off this couch, go help Mom finish decorating her house, put new flowers on my Dad’s grave, have some lunch, and come home and clean. Tonight, Adam and I will go to the gym. I will listen to Hope Rising (by Fee Band, my favorite cd right now) as I do things to my body that it won’t like. But, it’s time to do something!

Wish me luck, cause losing weight BEFORE the new year is better than AFTER, cause why wait?

Thanksgiving…

Today I woke up and did a 5k with my sister. While we were walking around the Marietta Square our husbands were at Mom’s trying to figure out how to deep fry a turkey. Every other year, that was Dad’s job. Mom makes everything else, but dad fries the turkey. This year, he’s not here. Our first Thanksgiving without him, and my first with my family in 12 years. I miss him.

He would have loved getting to watch Ella  (my 8 month old neice) as she entertained us all chatting away during the feast. He would have been the one feeding her whipped cream. He would have laughed at my sister who is no longer a vegetarian and ate fried turkey today. He would have enjoyed the day. Instead, Mom gave Ella whipped cream and my brother-in-law made fun of my sister about the turkey. We all individually shed some tears throughout the day as the emotion of it all hit us, but we made it.

So now we know we can make it through a holiday.

That doesn’t make it any easier.

However, the boys have lived and learned about deep frying a turkey and Christmas will be easier…at least the turkey part.

 

Change

I often think about the book I would love to write. I think about the way I used to write poetry so easily. I think about the crazy things that run through my mind that I wonder if anyone else might find interesting. But I never do anything about it.

I listen to my mom and some of my peers and still hear my dad nagging about getting a master’s degree. I listen to people talk about the papers they have to write, the extra money they are now earning, the potential doors they feel they are opening. But I never do anything about it.

I feel like my world isn’t quite right. I feel like I should be doing more but don’t know what that really means or how to figure it out. But I never do anything about it.

So, tonight I have decided to do something about it…isn’t that what you expect me to say?

Well, that just isn’t the case. What I know: I have always had the goal of publishing a book before I turn 40. I have no desire to get a master’s degree. I am in a mental state where I am questioning myself in many aspects of my life and I’m not sure what to do about it.

Andy Stanley would tell me I need to determine where I want to be so that I can get on the path that will lead me there. I guess the thing is, I’ve started wondering what’s wrong with liking where I am now and not looking for another destination. I could not ask for a better husband, I have a job that I love most days (especially when I get to spend most of the day with my kids), and I live close to my family which gives me that chance to spend lots of time with them. So, I’m going to spend some time with myself tomorrow because I’m not sure it’s the destination as much as the vehicle that needs to change.

Not cause I can’t…

From our 10 yr. anniversary trip to France to visit friends living and working there.

I was thinking last night about marriage as we were at trivia and coming home and wondering why people do and don’t stay together. Then as we were getting ready to go to bed I remembered the day I walked out of the house about 5 years ago (yes, our notorious 7th year of marriage for those who are doing the math) in Chicago with the intent of getting my parents to fly me home never to return to Chicago or Adam. I remember thinking, “I don’t need him. He doesn’t know how to communicate and we have other issues and I would be just fine living without him. I have a good job that I could replicate in Georgia and other than having a permanent roommate, not much would be different”.

My mom, who by the way doesn’t remember this day at all, answered the phone when I called from my favorite library in Chicago where I was hiding out after the quick bus ride downtown said to me, “Tami, get off the phone, get on a bus, and GO HOME. Work it out!”. I wasn’t thrilled with that response and after a few hours of reading and writing in my journal I returned home. It was this day that I decided, I could live without Adam.

Once I got home, we talked about our differences in communication and other things that were going on (looking back stupid things like, he wasn’t on time to pick me up and we shared a car, he didn’t have opinions on things so I felt like I made all the decisions…nothing major). We resolved our differences but I changed. It was then that I stumbled on a truth that has kept me in this marriage. I don’t stay with Adam because I can’t live without him. I stay married to him because I don’t want to live without him. I know people say not all situations in marriage are that easy, that black and white…or are they? For me, staying married is a choice I make each day. I’m not in this marriage because I would be bankrupt or not have a place to live or not have food or what I need if we were no longer married, I’m in this marriage because I choose to be. I choose to love and live with a man who has a very different communication style than the one I grew up with, who doesn’t like making decisions because he always wants others to have what they want, and a man who would do anything for me…which sounds amazingly wonderful until my independence gets in the way.

It’s not cause I can’t live without out him that my marriage works, it’s cause I know I CAN live without him but choose not to.

My charm dilemma

Today would have been my Dad’s 66th birthday. It has been 5 months since he died. So, I spent part of the day with my sister and Mom picking out fake flowers to replace the last ones we put at the cemetary after his headstone was delivered. It’s not that we go there and think he’s there or anything, it’s more that when he was alive it was very important to him that Mom and I continue to put flowers on his brother and parents’ graves so I think it is a way for me to honor him. In a very small way I feel like I can finally do something for him.

So, my dilemma is this: What charm do I get to put on my bracelet for my Dad?

There are lots of things in daily life that make me think of him. He LOVED to sit on the back deck and watch birds. His favorites were the humming birds that would zip in and out drinking his special homemade concoction. He also like cardinals and always said they were lucky. Mysteriously there has been a cardinal in our backyard at least 3 days a week when I go out on our deck since about February…makes me think of Dad. So I have thought about getting either a hummingbird or a cardinal for my bracelet. But there is another option…

Cookie Monster! Since I was very young, my Dad has called me Cookie Monster. I got my first cavity from eating cookies (two fisted I might add). Every time we talked in person or on the phone at some point he would call me Cookie Monster and I stopped watching Seasame Street long ago! He’s the only one who called me that.  No one else ever has or ever will. 

I wonder if I’m putting off getting the charm cause that puts some semblance of closure on his death and I’m not quite ready to do that yet. Or if maybe, I’m just being my normal undecided self.

One day, I will find the charm that screams “I’m it…buy me!” Until then, I have a charm dilemma but lots of memories to hold me over.

Accountability

When I married Adam I knew he went on backpacking and outdoor trips with “the boys”. I grew up camping in the North Georgia moutnains so I figured since I had been pop-up camping, I could handle backpacking. No laughing please!

Our first backpacking trip was to the Porcupine Moutains in Michigan- hence, this charm. 

Since that trip we have done others and the annual boys trip has also continued as well. I think they will go on their 15th or so this August. Other than being jealous that he takes off for several days, flies or drives somewhere and leaves me at home…usually to start the school year, I have no problem with the boys trips. I trust most of the guys and think now that they are older, they are getting a little less wreckless- they even reconnected with a friend who is now  doctor and he has joined in the fun! He would have been helpful on some of the other trips .

We are the only couple that doesn’t have kids so maybe I’m speaking out of turn, but I think it’s really important for these guys to get together away from wives, family, and work stuff to be honest with each other and be a support system. They hold each other accountable.

I have a few friends and of course family who hold me accountable for who I am, and who I say I want to be. Who does that for you?

I do… and other choices we make

After knowing Adam for 4 months…yes really, 4 months to the day we MET we got engaged. Then a little over 8 months later we got married. Now, 12 years later I have learned a few things:

1. Loving someone is a good starting point for a marriage.

2. Walking out doesn’t really solve much, it just get’s his attention.

3. There are always days when I know exactly why I married him.

4. There are always days when I have to remind myself that divorce is not an option.

5. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I’m the only person in this marriage that I can change.

I know that sounds simplistic and naive but 12 years later, here I am still married by choice! What advice would you give someone who is engaged or struggling in marriage today?

First Love

We all have a first love. We all have regrets about that person and we all learned something about ourselves through that relationship. This charm was from my first love. It was soldered onto the bracelet so it wouldn’t come off and now I would have to have someone cut it off if I want it removed. So, I leave it on. 

It reminds me of the person I used to be and the one he and his family helped me become. I’ve never been popular or had lots of friends. I’m not incredibly athletic nor academic so I didn’t fit in with any group in particular. With him, I fit in. I got along with his family really well and was a much more positive person because of him. He and his Dad are very analytical thinkers so for the first time in my life I was invited to view the Bible and my faith as something I could challenge, question and grow in. I am changed because of them. Because of that, I leave this charm on my bracelet.

Who was your first love and how did he/she influence who you are today?

On a side note, the arrow part of the heart pierces my hand when i clap too much so he is still causing me some pain even 13 years after the break-up

I sing

My brother gave me this charm the Christmas after I got the bracelet. He got it because I sing. He and my sister were great at sports, I tried and wasn’t nearly as good so I decided to go to church and I joined the choir and I sang. I’m not great, but I’m not horrible either…I don’t think. Don’t worry, I’m not going to audition for American Idol or anything. But, I do like to sing.

Right now I am sitting on my couch watching “Duets”. Cheezy movie from 2000, come on Huey Lewis singing Karaoke with Gwyneth Paltrow…AWESOME! It makes me want to go to a karaoke night and sing. I have friends who have done it, but I’m just not sure I have the guts. Maybe one day. I do love to sing and I miss it.

Karaoke anyone???